DailyOM: Is this course for people who have already decided to separate, or will it help them decide if they want to separate?
Ragini: It's for both kinds of people: those who have already decided to separate and those who need guidance before making that decision. Sometimes a decision should be reconsidered, especially when you start seeing things from a different point of view. Whether you stay and give it another try or go and start a new life on your own, this course offers very specific guidance on how to first be happier with yourself.
Knowing how to do this changes the way you relate to others and engage in your relationships, whether you are part of a couple or on your own. The most important relationship of all is with yourself, but this is easily forgotten when you are operating inside a partnership. Once you realize that you have to know yourself pretty well to create a healthy partnership, relating with others becomes a lot easier, more enjoyable, and hopefully more fun.
DailyOM: Why is it important to be mindful of how we separate? What are the benefits?
Ragini: Doing anything difficult becomes a bit easier when you do it mindfully. Mindfulness grants you a clearer perspective because you have some distance. And that distance grants you the possibility of reconnecting with the love you once felt for the other person. It helps to remember that despite all the differences and problems, love was once there. Or, you may still feel love for the other, but you know in your heart that it's not good for you to stay. Parting from anything that was once filled with love, laughter, and fun can be heart-wrenching.
When I say mindful, I mean simply being present to and aware of your anger, frustration, irritation, sense of betrayal, and so on. This leads to taking responsibility and understanding your part in causing things to unravel. You learn that blame is never a useful approach to creating a thriving life. Knowing when you fall into blaming is the first step toward taking charge of your life. Putting your happiness on someone else's shoulders means you will eventually be disappointed, hurt, and probably mad. So practicing mindfulness when you are separating is smart, challenging, and liberating. Whatever your final decision, it will be of greater benefit to both you and your partner, now and in the future.
DailyOM: Tell us how you structured your course and the type of homework it provides.
Ragini: I designed it based on the stages you naturally go through when you come to realize you are not happy in your relationship: shock, disillusionment, anger, rage, blame, sense of betrayal, anxiety about the future, fear of failing on your own, sense of loss, grief, self-doubt, and a bit of self-flagellation. You cycle through these until you conclude that either you can change the way you are behaving in the relationship you are in, or you cannot (or don't want to), and it is time to leave.
However, before coming to either of these decisions, it is important to explore your feelings from different angles. Whether your goal is to get clear on what you want to do or explore how to separate with grace and respect, there are specific ways of looking at things that offer some powerful guidance. Since emotions are often disruptive to clear thinking, this course will help you identify and explore your feelings, and then offer options for what you can do with those feelings to support your decision. It emphasizes that blame is not a useful perspective if you want to be happy in a relationship.
Instead, it offers guidance on how to take charge of your life and make it real. I encourage people to answer the questions at their own pace and at a depth they feel comfortable with. But I also suggest you push just beyond your comfort zone, because that is where you usually find the most interesting insights and clarifications about why you are unhappy.
DailyOM: Separating can be a very emotionally difficult and vulnerable situation. How do you help students deal with these kinds of feelings?
Ragini: I include lots of self-reflection and journaling questions to help you better understand what your feelings are and what to do with them. Emotions are packed with energy and power, so it is important that you learn how to manage them instead of letting them confuse and trigger you. This can free you to move through the process with less angst, anger, blame, and frustration. I also offer four guided meditations that help you recognize what is going on unconsciously and what to do with it.
That includes what to do with the perceived threat of change and all that comes with ending something you never thought would end, and embarking on a new beginning that is still ambiguous. Navigating difficult feelings requires trust that you will emerge on the other side of the problem, having found all you need to create a new beginning in whatever way you find necessary. It may seem impossible at first, but it's the key to finding your way toward a healthy, fresh start.
DailyOM: Will this course help people learn how to have better relationships in the future?
Ragini: Definitely! The only way to have a better relationship in the future is to be clear about what made the past one stop working. It will help you recognize and honor your particular foibles and what you can do to manage them more effectively. If you're open to learning why things didn't work, taking a fresh look at what happened, and accepting responsibility for your part, you can make lasting change. And that's when a good relationship is more likely to manifest in your life.
DailyOM: Thanks Ragini! Whether you are uncertain or know it's time to separate, you can decide to navigate through this situation in a whole new way. A way that does not have to cause further pain or regret, but instead fosters growth and understanding. Ragini will help you do that, and more. Until next time, be well.
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