DailyOM: What motivated you to create this course?
Dr. Jody: After I wrote my first course for DailyOM, Protect Yourself from Control Dramas, a large number of participants were left asking, "So now that I know how people use control dramas, what can I do to actually deal with them?" Even though there were methods offered at the end of that course that addressed this question, I decided to develop a full course for learning to use effective conflict resolution strategies. The key was to make sure that they would really work.
I have spent over 25 years teaching and training in college/university settings and in organizations across the US. I am an adjunct instructor in my state's college prison program, and the environment there has taught me the most about control dramas and how we all unconsciously work to get what we need from others. Unfortunately, a large number of people do so in a toxic and destructive way. Thus, the use of assertive communication, as a fair and reasonable response, became the focal point of this course.
DailyOM: Why do we often resort to defensive behavior or control?
Dr. Jody: "Energy flows where attention goes." In other words, you attract what you focus on. Unfortunately, when we are upset, we focus on what we do not want and end up getting more of that very thing. We have the ability to redirect our focus and move from a position of imbalance to balance during conflict. Awareness leads to change, and this course teaches people the words, patterns, and phrases that add to drama and trigger others. When people do not know how to handle an intense interaction, most of us react under pressure. But we can learn to shift from simply reacting to mindfully responding.
I find it interesting that the words "reactive" and "creative" have the exact same letters in them, and I have found a great meditation on those words alone. We can react in a destructive way, or we can learn to create the desired interaction and positive outcome we really want. When we engage in a difficult interaction, there are really only two ways it can go, and once we learn that we can shift the outcome to the positive, we find less drama in our lives and stop being defensive. Defensive positioning requires a great deal of effort and no one is able to hold that position over time.
DailyOM: Please remind us how a control drama is defined.
Dr. Jody: A control drama occurs when people unconsciously try to get their way with others by making them pay attention to them and then eliciting a certain reaction to make themselves feel fulfilled. The positive feelings gained are won at the detriment of the other person. In other words, you get what you need or want at the expense of the other person feeling afraid, worthless, monitored, abandoned, obligated, etc.
Most of us have a dominant control drama that we engage in automatically, without even realizing what we are doing, to what extent, and to whose expense. Your need to defend and engage in defensive responses with someone means you are caught in a control drama. When you become aware of your dominant control drama and recognize it in action, you can start to hone it and make better choices in your responses to others.
DailyOM: Can you give us a helpful scenario that illustrates how we lose ourselves to control dramas and then how we can regain and maintain our balance and presence?
Dr. Jody: Again, a control drama is an automatic, often unconscious response to an intense situation. People who lean in with an "intimidator" control drama, for example, will use responses where they end up getting stuck in certainty and they have to be right. They often use phrases like "I guarantee you" or "I never said that…" The amount of resistance they start to build with their word choice quickly puts people on high alert.
The good news is that drama-free communication starts with you. The way you talk to yourself directly impacts how you both behave and interact with others. When we learn to examine how our self-talk creates more drama in our lives, we are more likely to change our behavior. When we learn to reframe our impulsive and often destructive thoughts and behaviors, we can choose a solution-based response.
In the case of an "intimidator" control drama, rather than having a tone of certainty and needing to be right, the person might simply catch the incoming control drama and choose to ask a question rather than argue. They might choose to ask, "What do you mean?" That response would come off as neutral and not lead into the control drama, where they would end up denying, defending, counter-attacking, getting emotional, or having to explain themselves. Like anyone, once an intimidator is more self-aware, the likelihood of having to hold their ground will lessen and the resistance will let up, creating less overall drama.
DailyOM: Tell us the kind of journey students will go on in this course.
Dr. Jody: In this course, you will learn 101 things to say and do during difficult interactions. The goal is to maintain your personal integrity through effective communication strategies that really work. Participants will learn step-by-step responses to transform difficult conversations.
Multiple techniques are discussed to ensure you can find your voice, maintain wholeness, and stay unimpaired while engaging others during difficult interactions. On a personal level, you will understand and apply strategies to defuse negative self-talk. On an interpersonal level, you will learn strategies to effectively address and eliminate drama.
DailyOM: Communication and boundary-setting are two important tools you teach. Tell us more about these tools and their importance in dealing with control dramas.
Dr. Jody: Control dramas damage relationships. The goal of my teaching is to help people say what they mean, mean what they say, and shine when they say it. The ability to speak effectively is an asset in any private, public, or professional setting. I am passionate about helping people learn effective communication techniques to ensure a message is delivered as intended.
Most of us have been faced with a difficult interaction where our integrity has been compromised. I help people explore how to best communicate. Leading with your assertive voice allows you to be clear and concise across diverse audiences, while maintaining a collaborative tone. We can all learn to balance how to structure a message that best suits our communication style.
DailyOM: Thank you, Dr. Jody! This course is packed full of simple yet powerful strategies to deal with and overcome control dramas. You'll experience immediate results — and relief. Until next time, be well.
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