Q: What exactly is a mother wound?
A: On a personal level, there is no single definition of a mother wound, but we may think of it as the pain that arises out of insufficient mothering. When this happens, when our mother is not properly attuned and responsive to us through our formative years, we grow up feeling the lack of support necessary to the health of our developing psyche. We may also think of the mother wound in a broader, ancestral sense. It can be passed down from mother to daughter over generations. The trauma can go unaddressed for decades, even centuries. It is up to the daughter who has finally had enough to name the hurt and undertake her healing. This breaks the cycle of inheritance.
Q: How do we know if we have a mother wound? How does it show up in our lives?
A: Because a mother wound begins so early in life, it can become a part of our identity. This makes it particularly challenging to engage because it is so deeply woven into our personality. This is further complicated by the fact that we may feel loyal to our mothers and hesitant to accept that they may have emotionally traumatized us. On the other hand, we may be so shut off that we resist the softening that is necessary for recovery. Out of this emotional morass, we often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse and compulsive behaviors. No matter who we are and how we have been wounded by the mother in our lives, recognizing our trauma is the first step toward reconciliation.
Q: What are some categories of wounding mothers?
A: Every wounding mother is unique. However, we can identify three main types: attacking mothers, absent mothers, and overbearing mothers. The attacking mother wounds through physical and/or emotional abuse. She can be loud, angry, and/or ruthlessly critical and may attack in a passive-aggressive manner, and as a result, her daughter hides her true self. The absent mother, intentionally or unintentionally, is simply not there for emotional support. She may be physically present, but she cannot respond to the needs of her daughter because her own wounds have rendered her unable to do so. In some cases she is actually absent, having left the family, perhaps through divorce or economic hardship. The overbearing mother smothers her daughter. She may be devoted and loving, but in her desire to protect or her need to control, she prevents her daughter from coming into her own being. She snuffs out her daughter's will by imposing her own.
Q: How do we avoid becoming mothers that wound our children?
A: By doing the inner work of addressing our own pain and cultivating consciousness around our own behaviors. We have the power to break the cycle of trauma if we pay attention. This does not mean that mothers must be perfect. We all make mistakes, and children are resilient and need to see our humanity. But mothers must name their wound and begin to mend in order to prevent the cycle from repeating itself.
Q: What role does grief play in recovering from a mother wound?
A: Grief is what prepares our hearts for recovery. It hurts to truly feel the grief of going unmothered, of longing to feel loved by those who withheld it, of not receiving the nurturing we needed when we were young and vulnerable. We build fortresses around that pain in order to prevent ourselves from feeling it. But we cannot grow without inviting grief into the process, and we must let go of our defenses in order to do this. Grief allows us to reclaim our lost feelings, softening us so we can reconnect with who we truly are as individuals and women. This is the place from which deep and lasting transformation begins.
Q: Why is forgiveness necessary, and why do we resist it?
A: Forgiveness allows us to move forward from a place of love rather than resentment. We resist forgiving because it can feel like weakness, like we are excusing our mothers from the harm they have caused us. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that often values justice over mercy. But to choose not to forgive is to choose to remain in the wound. Forgiveness is a balm to our hearts, as it honors the truth of our pain while freeing the soul to experience life and love in a new way.
Q: Walk us through the journey of this course. How will it unfold?
A: We will begin with an overview of what the mother wound is and the three overarching categories of mother wounds. Then we will look at how they manifest in our daily lives in the form of defensive stances, coping mechanisms, troubled relationships, and addictive patterns. After this, we will move into the ancestral nature of these traumas in order to deepen the connection to our shared experience of feminine growth and wisdom. We will also be exploring feminine fairy tales, which can enhance our understanding. The second half of the course will shift into the healing process itself, focusing on the essential stages of releasing shame, grieving, forgiving, and reuniting with our innermost self. All lessons will be supported by journaling homework, which will provide a container for the thoughts, feelings, and ideas that arise during the course. | | |
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