When we practice communicating like a Buddhist, we focus on using words that are true, balanced, necessary, and kind. Dear Friends,
Today I bring you an interview with DailyOM course author Cynthia Kane about her online course, How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. The information in her course really speaks to my heart personally, and I resonate deeply with her practices. You don't need to be a Buddhist to apply these principles to your life. They are for all humans. I have a feeling you will be somewhat transformed just by reading this interview. I hope so. Let's get started.
Madisyn Taylor: Hello, Cynthia. Talk to me about what it means to communicate like a Buddhist. What does that mean?
Cynthia Kane: To communicate like a Buddhist means you use words that are true, balanced, necessary, and kind. You listen intently to others and to yourself. And while you realize that you are only responsible for what you say (not what others hear), you still take great care to choose your words skillfully so that the recipient is more likely to hear and understand them. You don't speak negatively about people. You speak from the heart, and once the words are said, you let them go.
MT: In lesson one you talk about "right speech." Tell us what this is and why it is important.
CK: While various teachers and schools of Buddhism translate the four elements of right speech in slightly different ways, there is one thing they all agree on: Right speech is a guideline for communicating in a loving, compassionate, and authentic way--where the purpose of communicating is about helping ourselves and others suffering less. I teach the elements of right speech as the following: Tell the truth, don't exaggerate, don't gossip, and use helpful language. When in doubt about any statement, if you can answer yes to all of the following questions then it's likely your words are consistent with the principles of right speech: Is what I am about to say true? Is what I am about to say kind? Is what I am about to say helpful? If you can incorporate these principles into your day-to-day interactions, you not only learn how to speak and listen in a way that helps others and yourself suffer less, but you also have a checklist to make sure you're clearly communicating.
MT: Those who have read my work know that I'm a big advocate of action plans, so I was happy to see that starting in lesson two you give students an action plan with specific things to do. Tell me about these action plans and what purpose they serve.
CK: The idea of speaking to others in a way that is kind, honest, and helpful sounds wonderful in theory, but how do you actually do it? How do you move away from the dream of interacting differently and truly communicate in this way? This is what the action plan helps you do. It's daily action that helps you move away from the theory and into implementation. Each morning you commit to speaking differently, and in the evening contemplate your communication throughout the day. There are also exercises to help you understand your default ways of interacting and how to shift out of them. Communication is not something we are born knowing how to do. We learn to talk, not how to communicate. Communication is a practice, and for you to change how you interact, it's all about practicing in your day-to-day. It's really important to me to help those I work with change their patterns of communication, and the only way is for them to actively engage with the practice and begin to embody it.
MT: People that know me well understand how much I enjoy silence. In lesson five you teach about the importance of silence as a part of speech. What do you mean by this?
CK: Silence is an extremely powerful form of communication. Most of us use silence in conversations without knowing it. Think about situations you've been in where you used silence, maybe as a way to exaggerate your displeasure of a situation, give someone the cold shoulder, or as a form of intimidation. I used to use silence in these ways, and it was only after I was introduced to mindful communication that I saw how helpful silence could actually be in conversations. The more I monitored my silence, the more I saw it for what it is--a language in itself. Silence can be used to promote more suffering, or it can be used to express compassion and intimacy, to balance interactions, and to help us reach clear thinking in difficult and stressful conversations.
MT: Why should somebody take this course? How will their life be different?
CK: I used to be a horrible communicator: closing off instead of sharing how I truly felt, reacting rather than responding to the words of others, and being passive-aggressive instead of assertive and clear. I would judge others and compare my insides to their outsides, which always resulted in a tirade of negative self-talk. What changed was my first love tragically passed away, and with his passing the world looked different. What I saw was that life was too beautiful to be upset all the time--constantly comparing, competing, thinking this is right and that is wrong. Life was too unpredictable to disrespect others and myself with my interactions. Life was to be enjoyed, not to suffer through. I craved to feel present, to enjoy my time here.
I wished nothing more at that time than for someone to come in and take all the pain away. To take my suffering and replace it. I wasn't saying it had to be with something spectacular, but with a sensation of normalcy or at least an allowance of life being as life is. I read books, took courses, and signed up for workshops all on this quest to feel better. And no matter the class, teacher, mentor, over and over again I found that the root of my unhappiness and insecurity came from how I communicated. How I talked with others and myself dictated so much of my feeling state that to really enjoy each moment, to be here now, I had to teach myself a new way of interacting.
MT: How has all of this changed your own life?
CK: The four elements are rules of communication, and over the last seven years I've modernized and melded them with other forms of mindful, nonviolent, and what I call self-responsible communication to create a working practice. Changing how I communicated with others and myself helped me in so many ways: It increased my self-esteem, reduced stress and anxiety, and even improved my sleeping habits; it helped me understand my own feelings and the feelings of others, enhanced my appreciation for life, reduced reactivity and compulsive behavior, helped me identify my wants and clarify goals, and helped me to stop caring what other people think. Through my communication practice I've become a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, and aunt without sacrificing my own happiness in the process. It's not only changed my life, but also the lives of so many others--improving and saving marriages, changing family dynamics, boosting sales, and shifting overall well-being.
MT: Cynthia, tell me about some feedback you have received from students.
CK: I receive lots of messages from students all over the world about how the course has helped change their lives. In personal lives, it's helped students mend marriages, feel confident in their interactions, and handle stressful and difficult situations with ease. Students mention feeling more calm and patient in their day-to-day interactions and less anxiety in social situations. They swear less and have less judgment, are more present in their conversations and tolerant of those who may not share their opinions and beliefs. They feel more engaging instead of boring. Students who experience PTSD mention that the material has given them tools to help them feel better about who they are and to suffer less. In the workplace, students have let me know how they've been able to leave jobs, find new ones, ask for a raise, accept and allow criticism, and become more productive and efficient, and some are even implementing the practice within their organizations by basing their marketing communication around the work. There are plenty more examples I could mention, and what they all confirm is that the practice works. No matter what area you'd like to focus on, incorporating this practice into your life will help you shift your communication so that you're no longer having the same conversations again and again, or feeling stuck in the same cycle of dissatisfaction. This course gives you the chance and opportunity to have the types of interactions you desire. Though you only receive the benefits if you are willing to commit to doing it!
Course OverviewThe most well known Buddhist teachers on the planet all have something in common: they are excellent communicators. This is not by accident, as the Buddha taught what are called the four elements of right speech over 2,600 years ago. If you have ever felt misheard, have trouble stating how you feel, or long to have more meaningful and genuine conversations, this course can help. The simple steps outlined in this course will have a huge effect on how you communicate with others and yourself. Communication is essential to being human, and when you become better at it, your personal truth becomes clearer, your relationships improve, and the result is that you experience more peace and harmony in your life.
How Does It Work?Starting today, you will receive a new lesson every week for 8 weeks (total of 8 lessons). Each lesson is yours to keep and you'll be able to refer back to it whenever you want. And if you miss a lesson or are too busy to get to it that day, each lesson will conveniently remain in your account so you won't have to search for it when you're ready to get back to it.
Get Started NowWe are offering this course with the option of selecting how much you want to pay. No matter how much you pay, you'll be getting the same course as everybody else. We simply trust that people are honest and will support the author of the course with whatever they can afford. And if you are not 100% satisfied, we will refund your money.
How much do you want to pay?$15$35$50
This is the total amount for all 8 lessons
Thank you, Cynthia, for such a lovely and thought-provoking interview. Personally, I have been communicating this way for many years and have seen firsthand the difference it can make. What you may find most amazing is how easy it is to change the way you communicate once you have an awareness of it. I hope you have enjoyed this interview and can feel Cynthia's lovely energy coming through your screen.
Until next time, be well.
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
