DailyOM: What is self-sabotage? How is it different from making a mistake?
Terri: There are all sorts of reasons why you might experience disappointment or make a mistake at something you really want to achieve. If you are aiming for a promotion at work, for example, the company might not be in good enough shape to offer you progress; there may be bias against some personal qualities or against you as a member of an ethnic, religious, or political group. You may not succeed because of sheer bad luck. We all make mistakes. You can accept it and move forward with pride. After all, you gave it your best. Some things just don't work out.
In cases of self-sabotage, however, disappointments are a direct result of what you do. But your actions are not merely mistakes. You may not recognize this, but on some level, you want to trip yourself up. Perhaps you feel you do not deserve happiness or success or a life in which you can thrive. Perhaps you believe that you are incapable of managing your own feelings or cravings. Something inside you decides, "It would be better for me to mess this up than to succeed." Or you believe, "Things are so bad, it doesn't matter if they get worse."
DailyOM: What are some examples of self-sabotage?
Terri: Self-sabotage comes in many different forms. "You are your own worst enemy," we say to someone who always picks a fight with someone who is trying to help him. "She is the only one who can help herself," we say when someone keeps drinking even though she knows that it harms her relationships and her job performance. Some forms of self-sabotage we might take for granted, such as procrastination, when we put off something and, as a result, cause unnecessary problems that we have to deal with later. Other self-sabotaging traits are seen as an inevitable part of a person's temperament or personality, such as various kinds of stage fright, when we don't show what we can do just when we have the most to gain.
Some forms of self-sabotage are common but less familiar, such as fear of success, when we hold ourselves back because we fear that others will envy us if we succeed. Often self-sabotage arises from core beliefs about our own worth. Therefore, this course approaches self-sabotage in several different ways. You'll learn specific techniques for changing the habits that do not serve you well. You'll also learn how many self-sabotaging habits are connected. Smoking or drinking too much, for example, is sometimes linked to low mood, which is linked to lack of self-care. As you learn to map the various habits or practices that hold you back, you will be guided to track your progress. You'll also come to appreciate the huge benefits of small improvements.
DailyOM: Some things that may hold us back involve embedded habits or temperament, such as shyness, defensiveness, or even stage fright. Can these be changed?
Terri: This course teaches you that habits consist of various cues or prompts, sometimes called temptations, with expectations of rewards, and the routines you follow as you move from cues to rewards. You will learn how to avoid certain cues, and how to change your routines. Traits that you think are "built-in" or "hardwired" can be changed, because these traits are based on both habits and core beliefs. Shyness, for example, with the tendency to withdraw and isolate yourself (and thereby miss out on significant opportunities both in your personal and professional life) consists of the habit of shutting down when you get the cue (anxiety) in others' presence and seek the reward (comfort/relief from anxiety).
This course helps you manage anxiety, so you are able to change the cue. You'll also learn how various core beliefs underpin that anxiety. You may, for example, believe that other people will find you boring, or that they will dislike you. The course will help you manage these beliefs, too. Additional lessons will take you through other self-sabotaging traits, such as defensiveness, when you may push people away because you second guess their criticism of you, and stage fright, when you routinely don't show what you can do, even when you have a great deal to lose by not doing as well as you can.
DailyOM: This is a 21-lesson course. Tell us how this journey will unfold for each student.
Terri: This course begins by looking at the very basic ways our minds form habits and shows how we can dissolve the habits that do not serve us well and form better habits. Some of the lessons focus on common forms of self-sabotage, such as procrastination, perfectionism, defensiveness, or fear of success. Others look at common unhealthy habits, such as smoking, overeating, drinking too much, and neglecting to exercise. In each lesson, you will learn about emotions and beliefs that underpin many different forms of self-sabotage, and you will be given guidance on how to counter these. The lessons build on and reinforce each other. Tracking your behavior, for example, is important whether you are trying to break an unhealthy habit, such as eating a doughnut every day, or whether you make poor decisions because you expect too much from love. Avoiding discouragement is a necessary skill, because everyone experiences setbacks. Learning to acknowledge the role you play in your disappointments is important, because when you do this without anger or shame, you can learn how to protect your well-being.
The final three lessons bring together the range of techniques you learned earlier. The exercises you had in managing anxiety, for example, will be useful over and over, as you confront the core beliefs that give rise to self-sabotage. In the lesson of self-observation, you will realize that you started practicing this in the very first lesson when you began tracking the secrets behind your bad habits. The lesson on self-acceptance makes use of previous lessons' guidance on the importance of small wins, how to escape cycles of discouragement, and having faith in your ability to form new habits. You will finish the course well equipped to achieve your goals and secure your well-being.
DailyOM: Tell us about the kind of homework and techniques you teach in this course.
Terri: The homework will guide you through techniques for changing habits that do not serve you well: for confronting difficult problems, for managing anxiety, for monitoring your behavior and your feelings. Some homework tasks involve tried and tested exercises on self-reflection. Some provide exercises for physical and mental relaxation. Some ask you to reflect on how difficult experiences in your past might be shaping your behavior today. Every task is presented for a reason, and the reasons are also explained in the homework sections. The exercises you practice and the techniques you learn build on one another, and will be useful well beyond the time you spend on this course.
DailyOM: What do you hope students will gain at the end of the course?
Terri: In this course, you will come to understand why you (and so many other people) are sometimes "your own worst enemy." You will learn to identify the telltale patterns of self-sabotage. You will learn techniques for breaking habits that prevent you from being your better self. You will learn to challenge the thoughts and emotions that motivate you to act against your best interests. You will learn about the power of self-acceptance. Then, subversive tactics of self-sabotage will no longer outsmart you. This is an intensive course and asks a lot from you, so it is reasonable for you to expect to gain a lot from it. But you would not be embarking on this course unless you already had a head start in self-reflection. You have already begun to ask yourself some of the most difficult questions raised in these lessons.
The course will help you further by guiding you to self-reflect without feeling anger towards yourself. Instead, you will learn to use self-criticism positively, to help you make better choices in the future. It will help you resist discouragement, even if you have setbacks. You will see how to refresh your efforts and strengthen your willpower by understanding the circumstances in which your efforts sometimes let you down.
When we are holding ourselves back, sabotaging our talents and dreams, it takes courage to recognize these patterns and to take steps to change them. Take the time to become your ally, it's a wonderful gift to give yourself! Until next time, be well.
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