DailyOM: A multitude of media outlets have recently reported that America has a loneliness epidemic. Why are people feeling increasingly lonely?
Simone: While this trend has been more noticeable in recent years, the decline in social participation and community connection has been ongoing since the 1970s. Urban planning has evolved in ways that further isolate individuals. In the past, when Homo sapiens ceased to be nomadic creatures and we settled into townships, towns were designed around central meeting areas like places of worship, markets, or village squares, which facilitated regular social interactions. Modern city planning, however, often prioritizes efficiency and convenience over community building, which further diminishes opportunities for social interaction.
The rise of technology and convenience services also plays a role. With the advent of the internet, our ability to connect has both improved and deteriorated. While we have more tools to communicate than ever before, the quality of our interactions has suffered. Social media and digital communication can create a false sense of connection. Food delivery apps, online shopping, and remote work, while convenient, reduce the need for in-person interactions, which significantly reduces the chances of incidental social interactions that used to be commonplace.
Combining all these factors, it becomes clear that our current way of life is far removed from the communal living we are wired for. Our bodies and minds are built to thrive in environments where social bonds are real, strong, and consistent. When these bonds are missing, our bodies respond with feelings of loneliness, a signal that we need to seek out connections.
DailyOM: What is the lonely brain and how does it work to isolate us further? Why is it important to know this?
Simone: Understanding how loneliness affects the brain is crucial for addressing it effectively. The lonely brain often enters a self-perpetuating spiral, making it increasingly difficult to get back into healthy social connection practices. One symptom of this spiral is holding friends and acquaintances to unreasonably high standards. This behavior leads to frequent disappointment and reinforces the belief that others will always fail you. This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, further justifying the decision to withdraw from social interactions.
Additionally, the lonely brain often finds excuses to justify isolation. This behavior is similar to what is seen in depression, when individuals lack perspective and believe their suffering is unique and could never be understood by others. This myopic view can be very isolating. For example, during my own journey with extreme loneliness following my mother's paralysis, I convinced myself that no other 30-year-old on the planet could imagine having a father in the ground and a mother in a wheelchair. I truly believed this then, but now after my healing, it seems utterly lacking in perspective. These beliefs, although irrational, justified my withdrawal from social opportunities, leading to deeper isolation.
Recognizing these patterns was essential in my journey for breaking the cycle of loneliness. Once I began studying the lonely brain and understanding these mechanisms, I felt a significant reduction in self-loathing. Realizing that my experiences were not as unique was crucial. When I gained the perspective that other people in the world were suffering greatly and I could empower myself and them by being of service, I was able to lift myself out of the isolation.
DailyOM: What are some common telltale signs of loneliness?
Simone: Loneliness manifests in various ways, some subtle and some obvious. One of the initial signs is an urgent need to connect with others. This feeling often arises when moving to a new place or starting a new phase in life. Your body senses your vulnerability in being alone and urges you to seek out social bonds for protection and support. This often can show up as an itchiness to socialize.
Social awkwardness is another common sign. When you are lonely, you may misread social cues, which further reinforces feelings of isolation. Inappropriate outbursts or oversharing can also be indicators of loneliness. When the brain perceives opportunities for meaningful connection as scarce, the need to share everything with anyone willing to listen becomes stronger.
DailyOM: How does this course unfold? Tell us about the journey your students will go on.
Simone: The course begins by providing a comprehensive context for the global loneliness epidemic. It demystifies common misconceptions and clarifies what loneliness truly is. Loneliness is defined as the gap between the amount of human connection you desire and what you are actually experiencing. This understanding is crucial because it helps individuals recognize that loneliness is not just about being physically alone; it's about the quality and quantity of connections.
In the first few lessons, I address several myths about loneliness. For instance, many people believe that being surrounded by others automatically prevents loneliness, or that one romantic partner can fulfill all their social needs. These misconceptions can worsen feelings of isolation. By debunking these myths through research-backed evidence, I help participants understand their emotional pain, providing clarity on what they are experiencing.
After establishing this foundation, the course moves into practical solutions. One of the key focuses is on reconnecting with oneself. Self-connection is essential for building healthy relationships with others. I provide exercises and strategies to help individuals strengthen their sense of self, which is the first step toward overcoming loneliness. The course also addresses the practical steps needed to re-socialize after a period of isolation. This process can be daunting, so I guide participants through it gently. The goal is to help individuals build confidence in their social interactions, and encourage them to re-enter social systems.
DailyOM: Sharing your own struggles allows students to see and feel your pain. They are not alone. Your strategies and insights provide students with the knowledge and tools to reconnect to themselves and others — and break the cycle of loneliness.. Thank you for this life-changing course. Until next time, be well.
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