DailyOM: Why is it so common to feel conflicted about breaking up, even when we know it's the right thing to do?
Avery: It's perfectly normal and common to have conflicting feelings when it comes to breaking up with someone. This happens for a variety of reasons. The more time we spend with someone, usually the more attached we become. We share experiences and develop a history with one another. We see our partner in many different situations, as well as learn their strengths and vulnerabilities. The longer that we are together, the more invested we are in the outcome of the relationship. We want it to work out. This is especially the case when we are deeply committed to the relationship through shared family and friends, marriage, and children.
In addition, most of us have an idea or fantasy about what we want the relationship to be, and so even if this image isn't based in reality, we may still cling to it, ignoring any evidence to the contrary. We may know something intellectually, but that doesn't automatically mean that our feelings run parallel. It often takes time for our heart to align with our head.
DailyOM: How do you teach students to know when it's time to leave a relationship?
Avery: It's often pretty hard to know exactly when it's time to leave a relationship, especially when there may be things we really love about the other person and the relationship. In this course, we talk about some basic unhealthy patterns in a relationship so that students can objectively examine if their relationship falls into this category.
Equally important is knowing what a healthy relationship looks like, including healthy confrontation. This is something we should be taught from the time we are little, but sadly, we are not. Knowing this standard, we have a benchmark and can examine our past, current, and future relationships.
Finally, it is essential that we learn not to ignore or override our feelings. This is a common practice, especially when we are avoiding ending the relationship. We make excuses, rationalizations, or concessions in an effort to stay in the relationship. While this may seem like a "fix," it really is just a shallow disguise, preventing us from having an authentic relationship with our partner and with ourselves.
DailyOM: In Lesson 5, you teach that letting go and breaking up is a life loss. What do you mean?
Avery: We all experience losses throughout our lives, many of which evoke a sense of grief. Grief and loss are not just experienced when someone we love dies. They occur anytime something that matters to us comes to an end. We know that things are never going to go back or be the way they used to be.
Life losses can be quite painful, even when we know it may be a healthy and necessary transition. Children growing up, a new move, changing jobs, and ending any kind of relationship are all examples of a life loss.
Sometimes our intellectual voice takes over, telling us to get over it and just accept the way things are now. While this isn't necessarily incorrect, it does diminish our feelings regarding the loss, denying us the opportunity to emotionally come to terms with what is. This can actually stunt our emotional growth because we have not given ourselves the opportunity to acknowledge and experience the loss in order to heal. When this happens, we tend to hold onto the unresolved pain, long after the situation has passed.
DailyOM: What is the purpose of having students focus so heavily on developing themselves individually?
Avery: This is a great question! Developing ourselves as individuals is important whether we are in or out of a relationship. The more in touch we are with ourselves, knowing our needs, desires, and interests, the more likely we are to be satisfied in our lives, regardless of our relationship status.
Let's be honest. As much as we might like to control what other people do, we can't. Whether our partner says or does things the way we would like or whether we meet the right person when we want are external factors that truly are beyond our control. The more dependent we are on someone else to make us happy, or the more we put our lives on hold waiting for someone or something we desire, the more frustrated and unsatisfied we become. In contrast, when we focus on developing ourselves and tending to our needs by pursuing our interests and passions, the more we begin to enjoy life. This also increases our self-awareness, making us more interested in our current relationships or better able to choose a compatible mate.
This self-development is also critical so that we become more at ease with being on our own. The more comfortable we are with being alone (not that it has to be our first choice), the less likely we are to settle for a less-than-optimal relationship because of a fear of being alone. Settling also can make us more vulnerable to mistreatment and an unhealthy relationship.
DailyOM: What is the homework like in this course?
Avery: The homework in this class is immersive. I wanted this course to serve almost as a therapeutic guide so that anyone who is going through the difficult task of ending a relationship could feel less alone in the experience. It is a start-to-finish course on how to end a relationship from the time that someone may feel like things just aren't right to recovering from the breakup and honoring oneself moving forward.
Students will learn how to look at their partners and themselves objectively. This helps them to understand their own patterns and tendencies in relationships and the type of love they need in a partnership. Students also will be guided through the process of confronting past relationship experiences and any subsequent wounds they may carry. Finally, we learn how to proactively look forward, developing essential skills to gain emotional strength for future partnerships.
Much of the homework is designed as deeper personal work that can be integrated into daily life. Students can complete the work at their own pace and return to it over and over again throughout their lives. It is designed to not only be a resource but also a helpful companion.
DailyOM: How does this course help students if they want a healthy partnership in their future?
Avery: This course will help students better understand themselves and their needs in a relationship, making it more likely that students will choose a healthy relationship with a compatible partner. In understanding healthy versus unhealthy patterns in a relationship and developing greater self-awareness both in and out of a relationship, students are more likely to experience satisfaction with themselves and with their partners.
DailyOM: Thank you, Avery. Your work is both powerful and exudes grace at the same time. If you're somebody who is struggling with a relationship and want to know more about this course, please click on the link. Until next time, be well.
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