DailyOM: Men and women communicate differently. Is it possible for women to understand how men process their thoughts and put it to practical use?
Wendy: Yes, it's possible. We can understand how men process their thoughts, and in doing so, we can make sense of what's really going on. But this knowledge is only possible when women are able to step away from trying to figure out a man based on how they would handle the situation. How they think is not how a man thinks.
What a woman would do isn't necessarily what a man would do. When you incorporate what you've learned with his immediate feedback, understanding his thought process happens really fast. You could experiment with the techniques right on the spot, or just watch and listen and see a man newly right before your very eyes.
Once you get where a man is coming from, it's difficult to unlearn, and it's not something you'll have to try hard to remember. In the workplace you'll be able to quickly determine what you can count on men in your team for; in your romantic life and at home in family situations, you'll know where he's coming from or what his thought process is, which will save your feelings and prevent misunderstandings.
DailyOM: You address this notion in your course, that sometimes women feel that men don't actually mean well. This is vital information to understanding men. They do mean well. Please talk to us about this.
Wendy: Women were trained as children to be wary of a man's intentions. You're unsafe until he's been properly vetted and deemed to be safe. Heartbreaking. Integrity, kindness, and good intentions don't have anything to do with gender. But when we've been hurt, heartbroken, or disenfranchised, we tend to lump the whole lot of them together. We bring our unhealed past to our current and potential relationships with the opposite sex.
And to back our play, there's plenty of support from our culture: for example, with the phrase "battle of the sexes," and following not too far behind is the litany of man-bashing sitcoms and memes floating around the internet to reinforce that they're the inferior (and often untrustworthy) gender.
When I bring the spirit of "maybe everyone means well here" to any situation, with men or women in work, personal, or collaborative situations, things just tend to go well. And even if there's a problem or a hurdle, it's a faster fix when we're willing to come to the situation with curiosity instead of anger. Even in frustrating situations where someone has fallen short, it's not a big deal when people mean well, as they won't mind following up if they can or giving you a valid reason if they can't. And in my experience, people usually do mean well.
DailyOM: You teach a lot about women and their inner critic. Sadly, many women lead with their inner critic for various reasons. How does working with our inner critic help us when learning to know men better?
Wendy: Did you know that women's inner critic is much meaner than a man's inner critic? Our inner workings of the critic are so wildly different they shouldn't share the same name. For example, ask any man this question, "What's imperfect about you?" He'll likely look at you puzzled. He knows he's not perfect, but why would you bother even thinking about it? Now, ask any woman, "What's imperfect about you?" That list is huge!
Our inner critic judges us severely. But she also judges men. And she'll usually determine that he did what he did (or more likely didn't do what he should have) because it was personal: he just doesn't care enough about us. This automatic, snap decision from your inner critic happens when a man isn't doing things the way a woman would do them. It creates a real mess in relationships, especially because what our inner critic has made up about why something happened or didn't happen is bound to be inaccurate. Our inner critic means well, but she's often misguided and uninformed of the realities of what's really happening with men. She acts like she knows everything.
DailyOM: In Lesson 4 you talk about how women feel that men "glaze over" during their conversations together. What does this mean and what is the answer?
Wendy: As much as we don't want that, he doesn't want to do it either. And there's definitely a solution to not having that happen. Studies show women use an average of 20,000 words a day, compared to the mere 7,000 that men use. Most women are simply designed to say more. And when you learn how to set a man up for listening, you can tell that long story with all the words and have him right there with you.
But there's a natural default way he listens that you're going to have to override first if you don't want the glaze-over. You need to set him up to understand how to listen to you, and men are pretty willing to provide it; you just have to ask.
DailyOM: With your course, can we change our relationships with the men in our lives now?
Wendy: Yes, you will change your relationships with all the men in your life, and you don't have to do things differently; things will just be different between you. Most of us are working on our romantic relationships; however, your relationships will shift and transform with all men: men at work, men at home, the male barista at the coffee shop, all men, simply by absorbing the information.
One of the best parts of this course is that it will take very little effort on your part. Watch or listen to the videos, read the material, hear my examples, see how it applies to your own life, reflect on your past, and just take in the lessons. Just by listening and reading, you'll understand things in ways you may not have been able to see or understand before. You won't need to learn a complicated, strategic method or practice endlessly to see a change. The change will happen automatically; it comes with recognition.
DailyOM: Women at one time or another have thought that they will just change "their man." Talk to us about this.
Wendy: We cannot change people. We can kindly request things. We can offer up our preferences. We can talk about things that are important to us, and if the person we're nudging feels so moved or inspired, they'll change themselves. But ultimately, they changed themselves; we didn't do it. It's common for a woman to find a man and think or even say, "He's great! Now I've got to get to work on changing these two things." And if you take a pause and think about it, hey, that's not okay! In fact, trying to change a person is rude.
DailyOM: Please share with us some feedback you have received from people taking this course.
Wendy: When we learn to understand men, it's kind of like lifting the veil. The most common immediate feedback I get is some version of, "If I'd only had this information sooner, I could have saved my marriage." There's a lot of heart repair in these lessons. Women report a deeper connection and intimacy in relationships with men.
One woman shared that she put the listening technique into practice in a conversation with her boyfriend and everything changed. It went from a regular, superficial conversation to a deep one almost immediately. She said she experienced him opening up to her about his life in a way she'd not been able to get him to do previously.
I am personally grateful for every piece of information in this course as it makes my own personal life with men so much more delicious, easy, and happy. When one person learns the other person's language, communication gets so much clearer and easier.
DailyOM: Thanks Wendy! When we learn to communicate better, it's a win-win for everyone involved. Wendy offers insightful information and practical tools that any woman can use to nurture healthier and happier relationships. Until next time, be well.
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