DailyOM: Do you think it's possible to turn an unhappy relationship around to a happy one?
Wendy Newman: I absolutely do! Humans are adaptable, and if we tap into our will and adaptability, we can decide to abandon bad habits that erode any good relationship. Think about it: unhappy relationships are usually due to a behavior or a set of behaviors that need altering. Yelling is a good example. If a person is known to yell, that might be very unpleasant to be around. But while yelling might appear to be a chronic problem, it's actually just a learned one, and learned behaviors can be unlearned. The majority of us have control over when we yell. For instance, most folks don't yell at their boss, or hey, they'd be fired.
So the real question isn't "can an unhappy relationship be turned into a happy one," but rather "is change possible?" I say yes, but only if one is committed and willing to change, and then willing to be intentional, steady, and consistent with their decisions and behavior thereafter. A happy, healthy partnership is only possible when both parties are willing to do their part. We can't create a healthy relationship all on our own. So back to our yelling example: if Partner A is a yeller and Partner B wants to change this behavior, no matter how hard they try, if Partner B is the only one putting in the effort, this relationship will still likely have a yeller in it. Everybody needs to do their part in partnership for things to go well.
DailyOM: Why is getting appreciation for what we do in our relationships so important?
WN: Getting appreciation for what we do in our relationships is like putting premium gas in a luxury car. Gas is the fuel that allows cars to continue running, and premium lets the gears run at optimum levels. Appreciation is the fuel that allows us to keep providing, and deep acknowledgment of our efforts allows us to keep providing at optimum levels. Without appreciation, we're running on an empty tank. When we're running on empty, resentment builds up and things grind to a halt. A lack of appreciation creates a deficit in our relationship, making us feel overworked and unseen. This situation is what I call an affinity killer. Over providing without appropriate appreciation causes a downward spiral to develop in any good relationship, and turning that spiral around is arduous and time-consuming -- way more time-consuming than simply appreciating what our partner does for us in the first place!
DailyOM: In this course, you give us six questions to ask our partner every month. What's the significance of these questions?
WN: The six questions asked monthly offer an intimate, connective way to do some light housekeeping in any good relationship. The truth is there's never a good time to talk about our problems, hurt feelings, or anything negative that's cropped up between partners. Much more likely, these things get swept under the relationship rug. We may say we've shaken them off and that it's all water under the bridge, but these little affinity thieves are usually still there, hiding and collecting dust until we drag them out into the light, together.
The six questions I provide are intended to identify and clear away any misunderstandings. This is also the time to make new deals so everyone's on the same page. These questions are targeted and get straight to the heart of any relationship by uncovering what each person needs and values from the relationship. They help couples make space for true appreciation for the unique and special things each person brings to the partnership.
DailyOM: Tell us how you structured this 10-day course. Is this course only helpful for people in a long-term relationship?
WN: This 10-day course was purposely designed for literally everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, relationship structure, or relationship status. This is Relationships 2.0 and it applies to everyone. Even though I do mention partners and partnership often throughout this course, a lot of the work we dive into can be applied to single life, poly configurations, and more. After all, most of the work we do within relationships is actually work we do on ourselves.
For a little more context, I got involved in this field over 20 years ago when I was going through a divorce. We married young, the relationship ran its course, and as I was leaving it, I decided to do a deep dive into understanding men and partnership better. I wanted to learn all I could so I didn't screw up the next one, you know? I did all kinds of relationship work as a solo person while I was divorcing, and I truly appreciated all that I learned.
My own journey showed me it's important to meet people where they are. I wanted to provide some of what I'd learned to others. Regardless of what's happening in people's lives right now, if someone's interested in learning about partnership, then what if I could help? This is the right course and now is the right time for anyone who wants to level up their relationship skills and overall emotional intelligence. Students can take the course as a solo journey, they can do it with their partner, or they could workshop it in a group.
DailyOM: What unexpected feedback have you received about the relationship work you do?
WN: I provide high-level relationship skills and tools primarily for romantic partnerships. That said, using these tools can improve all of your relationships. Many customers take my workshops to build a better relationship with their spouse, and then they learn their relationship also improves with their sister, a coworker, or their teenage son. I have two women clients who became besties and they use my questions every month to strengthen their friendship. Sometimes I'll get feedback like, "Thanks to your course on relationships, I understand my teenager better and I'm finally getting more words out of him beyond I'm fine or yeah whatever, mom!" | | |
No comments:
Post a Comment