DailyOM: What is control drama? How does it show up in our lives?
Dr. Jody: A control drama occurs when people unconsciously work at "getting their way" with others by grabbing the spotlight, and then eliciting a certain reaction to make themselves feel in charge. The positive feelings gained are won at the detriment of the other person. In other words, you get what you need or want at the expense of the other person feeling afraid, worthless, monitored, abandoned, obligated, etc.
Most of us have a dominant control drama that we engage in automatically, without even realizing what we are doing and to what extent and expense. When you start to become aware of your dominant control drama and can recognize it in action, you can start to hone it and make better choices in your responses to others.
Likewise, once you understand how others use control dramas to make you react, you can refrain from engaging in them and move on to more healthy resolution "responses." Control dramas cause imbalance and drama in most of our interpersonal relationships, so getting a handle on yours will assure that you live a more balanced life.
DailyOM: Why is it so important that we learn how to identify and protect ourselves from control dramas?
Dr. Jody: The use of a control drama is mostly an unconscious behavior that has been learned and is well integrated into our behavioral patterns. It's the result of figuring out how to get what you needed when you were young such as love, approval, power, attention, praise, etc. — all common human needs so no one is really above using a control drama. Once you have a solid understanding of common control drama patterns, you'll be able to better recognize them and negate their negative influence. Awareness and recognition of a control drama allows you to break the cycle and choose to disconnect from it altogether.
When a control drama isn't controlling an interaction, you can respond more effectively and authentically to others. In this course, students will learn about four common control dramas people use to attract and defeat others. You'll also discover there are many effective ways to approach others during difficult interactions. Knowing you have choices during difficult interactions allows you to live a drama-free life and helps you find your "conversation peace."
DailyOM: You teach several control types. Tell us about two of these.
Dr. Jody: The "interrogator" and the "aloof" control types are each quite detailed, yet they go hand in hand well, so I will highlight how the two might interplay. The fear of an interrogator revolves around abandonment or betrayal, and the very essence of the aloof carries a natural signature of these two behaviors.
For example, the aloof individual will exhibit introverted tendencies and might come and go during a party. This will often trigger the interrogator to think they have been abandoned when the aloof person steps out. Likewise, the aloof person will have a storyline that goes something like this, "everything I say and do will be held against me; damned if I do, damned if I don't, so forget it!" Interrogators love to ask a series of rapid questions, one on top of the other, and this usually leads to scrutiny.
When an aloof person is bombarded with a series of "why" questions, and not given time to respond, it feels like they are being challenged or attacked, and it promotes their control drama behavior to become withdrawn and unavailable to answer the questions. In return, the interrogator will likely assume that the vague answer from the aloof person is betrayal or lying, and the cycle perpetuates the two to delve further into their toxic behaviors.
DailyOM: Is there a correlation between a control drama and a typical conflict response style?
Dr. Jody: During an intense interaction, the interpersonal style of conflict you will typically find coupled with "poor me" behavior is accommodation. Accommodating messages include feelings of "I'll kill them with kindness," and like a teddy bear, accommodators are willing to soothe and smooth things out. Common accommodating behavior includes the ability to yield and this will usually be done with either gladness or bitterness.
Accommodators can show reasonableness when working with a group and because of this, they are able to develop performance in those around them. They understand how to create goodwill and keep the peace. They often focus on and manage issues of low importance within a group of people (family or workplace).
Accommodators are skilled at many things. They have the ability to forgo their own desires for the needs of others and because of this, you will often feel a real selflessness about them. They will usually obey orders when working with others and have the ability to yield to new ideas. There are a number of positive and negative consequences that result from accommodating behavior.
If accommodation is overused it will result in others ignoring them and their ideas will get little attention. The more they accommodate others, the more restricted their influence becomes when working with a group. As a result, accommodators may experience a loss of contribution from others or complete anarchy.
DailyOM: What kinds of practices and homework do you provide students?
Dr. Jody: There is a lesson each week that has students reflect on their own behavior and address key questions around their control dramas. The end of the course focuses on universal ways to overcome a control drama by using collaborative conflict resolution strategies, rather than competition, avoidance, compromise, or accommodation. Students will learn to identify the behaviors that cause imbalance in their interpersonal communication with others and to understand and apply strategies to defuse negative behavior patterns. The goal is to learn strategies to effectively address and eliminate drama in your life.
As you learn more about control dramas, you will realize you are already quite familiar with them and this is because you have been exposed to a variety of people throughout your life and have had to test each of them to successfully navigate intense interactions. Most people will resort to the same control drama when feeling tested and are completely unaware of it and how others experience them during these episodes. But with awareness comes change.
DailyOM: Besides helping students deal with other controlling people, what if the student recognizes controlling behavior in him/herself?
Dr. Jody: This is such a great question! When students ask me about this, I suggest they hand some of the course material over to their family or friends and ask them to identify and verify traits they might directly correlate to them. It is amazing how we cannot see things in ourselves, yet others see them so clearly. When I lecture on control dramas in person, I always have someone who will ask something like, "I do that; am I really that annoying?" To which I respond, "Yes, we are all annoying to someone in some way."
No matter how good your intentions are, you'll always find someone who will not agree with you or who does not prefer you in general. Most of us think that people judge us on our good hearts and good intentions. During this course we learn that others judge us on our behavior, not on our good intentions. This is very hard for some people to grasp and they will say, "I do that, but that's not what I meant," to which I will again say, "People judge you on your behavior, not on your intention."
This usually leads to huge insights around personal understanding and they might say something like, "Well, no wonder my coworkers think I am a micro-manager." So, yes, this is precisely what the course was intended to do, because awareness often equals change. More importantly, awareness of a control drama can ultimately lead to understanding and forgiveness. The course reminds us that, "The more you understand someone, the easier you can forgive them," and sometimes we have to be willing to understand and forgive ourselves first and foremost!
DailyOM: Thanks, Dr. Jody! This course offers powerful techniques to break the cycle of control dramas and put you back in the driver's seat of your life. She teaches over 101 ways to protect yourself, including how to set healthy boundaries and use communication tools to confidently overcome these difficult interactions — and find peace. Until next time, be well.
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